by Ashley Phosphate
North Charleston – Officials in Washington admitted today that of all the cities vying for the new Boeing plant, North Charleston sucked up the most.
“By a wide margin, their officials brown-nosed so much more than any other community. We were really impressed by that,” said Gordon Billings, CEO of Boeing.
“Obviously we’re pleased with their selection of our fine city, and we’re glad they saw that we were bending over backwards and kissing their asses the way we did,” said North Charleston Mayor Keith Summey. “I mean we did some major prostituting of ourselves over this issue so it’s good to be able to enjoy it all now.”
Officials won’t disclose all the details, but Boeing officials indicated that in addition to tax breaks and other financial incentives, its executives will have private school tuition granted for them to avoid North Charleston’s public schools and at least once a week, the North Charleston City Council will provide a luncheon on the site of the new building.
“We’re not talking about just sandwiches here either. I mean we’re going to get the shrimp and grits, the rib eye, the lobster, the foie gras. I mean to tell you what, those guys bent over backwards for us so we’ll definitely be in South Carolina as soon as we can pack up in Washington,” said Billings.
South Carolina Chamber of Commerce officials were well-pleased with North Charleston’s ability to suck up.
“We think it’s a new benchmark for bending over to get a new factory. In fact, it’s the Chamber’s hope that the rest of South Carolina will follow North Charleston’s lead and begin kissing every major corporation’s ass to lure business into our great state,” said Doc Cordray, the chamber’s interim president.