by William Moultrie
Columbia – Addressing earlier accounts that one of his key staffers was engaging in intercourse with a stripper in a cemetery, Attorney General Henry McMaster announced today that his office had successfully turned back an invasion of the undead.
“We got a tip last week that there was going to be an uprising — literally — at a Columbia-area cemetery on Halloween night,” said McMaster. “I know it sounds far-fetched, but we made a decision that it was better to take the threat seriously and risk some mocking from the press than to ignore it and risk having our brains eaten by an army of zombies.”
The Attorney General’s office is still assembling the full report, but in an effort to set the story straight, they released a preliminary report of their proactive actions to neutralize the zombie threat. According to the report, the office immediately engaged in research on the subject including consulting Wikipedia and viewing dozens of zombie movies. Unfortunately, popular media only deals with the consequences of zombie reanimation, not preventative measures.
“We hit a roadblock in the research,” said chief investigator George Romano. “We could only get so far through the supposedly fictional accounts — we had to look harder for the answer and we were running out of time. That’s when we realized out we had a voodoo high priestess right here in South Carolina. We took a blood oath of secrecy about what exactly she told us and swore not to reveal her identity — all I can tell you is that she’s in the Southeastern corner of the state and that she will no longer be paying any state income taxes.”
The team came away from the meeting armed with a strategy and set about implementing it right away.
“It’s unfortunate what happened at Elmwood Cemetery on Monday,” said McMaster, “but it wasn’t an isolated incident. We had agents from my office at virtually every cemetery in Columbia on Monday night, each one with a stripper or prostitute. I can’t go into details of exactly what the agents were doing as the mission is ongoing through Saturday and we can’t afford to compromise it. I’m asking the citizens of Columbia to please bear with us, and if you see something suspicious and/or hear loud squeals or moans coming from your local cemetery, please understand that we’re just doing our job and keeping the citizens safe. When you wake up on Sunday morning and your brain hasn’t been eaten, you’ll know we’ve succeeded. No thank-yous are necessary.”
Zombie expert Ygraine Smith was surprised and gratified that the Attorney General’s office was taking this threat seriously.
“Most politicians would discount this sort of thing as ridiculous,” Smith said, “but I’m impressed that McMaster has the courage to fight this very real threat. These things happen much more often than you would think, but they’re always swept under the rug because there’s always some bureaucrat who gets a tip about it, ignores it, and then goes to great lengths to cover his tracks and make people believe there never was a zombie attack and that zombies aren’t even real. For McMaster to do this knowing that there will never be any proof that he stopped an invasion of brain-eating undead is the kind of bold action I’m looking for in my next governor. He’s got my vote.”
Asked to speculate on the role of the strippers, sex toys, and Viagra in the anti-zombie reanimation operation, Smith wouldn’t say much.
“It’s really not something you want to talk about because we don’t need amateurs going around to graveyards trying to be heroes, but I will tell you that zombies are quite put-off by female orgasms in their vicinity and if they are frequent enough, it will retard their reanimation. As to why they needed the accessories, I guess either their men weren’t up to the task by themselves, or they just had a lot of graves to hit with no time for a nap in between.”