from the publisher
As most of you know, one of the primary missions of theDiscust is to internalize our dysfunction here in South Carolina. We know we have problems, but they’re our problems. We have plenty of qualified people here in the state to discuss/lampoon our problems, and we certainly don’t need some media elitist from California piling on. We’ve already shamed Jon Stewart into silence so tread lightly.
Sometime late this morning, probably about the same time he was fresh-squeezing some OJ into a crystal goblet to accompany his crepes and tofu bacon, I came across Mr. Barabak’s article in the Los Angeles Times titled “South Carolina embarrassed by politicians behaving badly.” I almost spit my Coke out right into my grits.
Where do you get off Barabak?
It’s true, as you point out so gleefully, that our governor tends to get lost hiking. We all know that story and it’s old news. We’ve learned to live with it, so should the rest of you. Maybe we’ll impeach him and take our chances with André Bauer, maybe we’ll let him hang around for a while and see what happens. Either way, we’re on it, so move along… nothing to see here.
As to the rest of your allegations:
- It’s also true that the last treasurer we elected went to jail on cocaine charges, but he’s done his time and largely paid his debt to society, so what’s the big deal? We’re just waiting to see what office he runs for next. It’s not like he called the NAACP the National Association for the Advancement of Retarded People — that was his dad, the former Congressman that we named a $700 million bridge for well after he said that. To be fair though, he apologized to the mentally handicapped for the comment.
- It’s likely that the now-former state board of education chair (who home-schools her kids, btw) was writing porn on the internet. It’s perfectly legal, and by all accounts everything was grammatically correct and really, really hot. I know it’s not written anywhere, but there’s a general understanding that the internet is intended for porn, so she was just going with the flow and leading by example.
- Yes, a couple of backwoods Republicans throw around hurtful Jewish stereotypes willy-nilly, but their column was printed in the Orangeburg Times and Democrat… I’ve seen their circulation numbers and I can assure you, Jews don’t read that paper. Besides, they said it was a compliment.
- Everyone knows about Joe Wilson’s “outburst,” but time is proving that it was in fact an extremely shrewd move on his part as he’s increased his campaign contributions to somewhere around the neighborhood of the amount of money Sanford tried to turn away from Obama’s stimulus package.
What’s truly amazing are the details omitted:
- Our state’s senior U.S. Senator, Lindsey Graham, is frequently accused of being a closeted homosexual, though so is about a third of the rest of the state GOP, so maybe that’s not too startling. What’s truly amazing about him is that he insulted a right-wing media figurehead (Glen Beck) weeks ago and has yet to apologize.
- Our junior Senator, Jim DeMint, appears to be a part of a pseudo-christian cult in DC and has been parading around Central America contradicting U.S. policy and high-fiving the coup leaders in Honduras.
- Among our Democratic candidates for governor is a black legislator who supports a confederate holiday.
- And of course all manner of non-political stuff like the guy who was buried in his Pontiac or the dude who was caught having sex with his neighbor’s horse… again.
And that’s just the stuff that actually happened… and just in the last few months. You should see the stuff that we’ve made up here at theDiscust.
It’s hard enough for satire and parody to exceed reality in this state without the uppity left coast media elite jumping in the game. Of course, if you’d checked with us first, you might have saved yourself some embarrassment. Sorry to have to call you out like this, but I’m sure you understand. I know it’s tempting to try to distract from the Sodom state of California’s myriad of lunacies, but you should just keep on moving. Maybe try Alaska. There’s good stuff up there.
Also, Mr. Barack… sorry Barabak, you and the rest of your colleagues should keep in mind that South Carolina will have a disproportionate influence on the presidential primaries coming up in a few years and for years to come, so you should treat us a little better. Or you’ll be sorry.