by William Moultrie
Charleston – Still stung by rejection in his effort to buy into the NFL via the St. Louis Rams, Rush Limbaugh has set his sites lower and is looking to invest in a fantasy football league run jointly out of South Carolina and Maryland. Limbaugh contacted the Über League of American Football’s (ULAF) co-commissioner, Brian Barrie, about the investment on Thursday.
“I was kind of shocked, but it was definitely him,” said Barrie. “It’s hard to mistake that voice. He told me he was no longer interested in the NFL and wanted to get into sports ownership at a lower level. He asked if we had any teams available and that he’d ‘make it worth my while’ if I could convince someone to sell. I told him I’d ask around, but we are already well into the season and most of these guys have been with ULAF since the beginning in 2005.”
“Clearly as a commissioner, I can’t sell,” continued Barrie, who owns Southern Comfort in the Disease division of ULAF, “but the league could use some new investment. We’re somewhat in arrears in collecting and paying out, although it turns out if you wait a few years to pay off the winner, his subsequent years’ entry fees eventually whittle down he amount we owe him to a manageable number.”
There are 12 teams in the league, with owners are located in South Carolina, Tennessee, Virginia, Maryland, and DC. The annual operating budget for the ULAF is around $400, with most of the funds coming from entry fees.
“He offered me $200 for my team,” said Justin Higgins, owner of Urban Shockers, also in the Disease division. “I can’t say I wasn’t tempted — the auto-draft kind of screwed me and I’m off to a pretty bad start — but I have Donovan McNabb on my team and I just couldn’t do that to him. It wouldn’t be right.”
Limbaugh has been heavily criticized for comments he made implying McNabb has received more praise than he deserved because he’s black.
Other owners were dismayed at the low price being offered.
“$200. Can you believe that?” asked Hernan Ciudad, owner of Ballsacks in the Pestilence division. “I’m sure he was going to pony up millions for the Rams and they suck this year. Ballsacks are in first place in the division while the Rams are in last place in the NFL. Sure, the Rams are an actual team and Ballsacks aren’t, but still, I think he can do better than $200. Plus, he’s kind of a dick.”
“I received an e-mail from a user named BLOWHARD0912,” said the owner of Dr. Tran & the Toy Cacks of the Famine division, who declined to be named in this article. “This guy claimed to be an influential person, Rush Limbaugh, or something like that, and said I could make lots of money from my little fantasy football team. I was going to trash the e-mail, thinking it was another money offer scam from Kenya or Switzerland, but the pipe dream of having some extra cash (in this economy) floated about my head. I replied to the sender. He quickly responded and said that I would have to meet him at the bathroom in Terminal C at West Palm Beach’s executive airport to discuss the intimate details. I never replied.”
“That was absolutely not me,” Limbaugh protested. “I never use Terminal C anymore.”
Limbaugh was not yet conceding defeat, but he was beginning to point fingers and lay some blame on his potential rejection.
“I did some research on these guys,” Limbaugh said, “and for the most part they’re a bunch of liberal elites. There’s only one confirmed Republican in the bunch, and even that one is a ‘New England Republican’ so take that for what it is. I’m not done yet. I have the resources to bring ULAF out of the red and into the black. If I have to double my offer, then I’m willing to do it.”
Barrie disputes Limbaugh’s implication that someone like him wouldn’t be welcome.
“We’re a very open and welcoming group,” Barrie said, “if he’d been looking a couple years ago when the owner of D.C. Demagogues withdrew, we would have been happy to accept him and his money. I admit I’m not a fan of Rush’s opinions, tactics, mannerisms, demeanor, friends, allegiances, insinuations, or much else actually; but thanks to the magic of the internet, he could be a part of the league and I would never have to be in the same room with him, see his face, smell his cigar, hear his voice, or even run out to the drugstore for him.”
Limbaugh said he was still waiting to hear back from a few owners, including league-leading Yaz-ma-taz, from the War division.