by Charles A. Smith
Charleston – Continuing a Citadel tradition of hotheaded gun-jumping, a professor in the military college’s physics department, John Richardson, assisted in bombarding the Earth’s moon with a giant shell disguised as a research satellite.
The official NASA story describes the “satellite” being shot at the lunar surface in an attempt to see if water exists underneath the moon’s crust. However, recordings obtained by theDiscust tell a different and far more sinister story.
Apparently a number of right-wing scientific minds left over from the Bush administration have decided that the moon poses a genuine threat to the well-being of every American citizen, and as a result there is only one way to respond; with a preemptive strike.
“That moon has been circling us for eons, just waiting for the right time to pounce,” Richardson is heard saying during a secretly taped conversation while speaking before a meeting of NASA scientists this past January. “Either we pepper that heavenly body’s dark side with a missi-, er, satellite, or we run the risk of the moon launching a surprise attack on America. The big bastard is already wreaking havoc with the tides. C’mon, the moon has it coming.”
Last Friday’s strike against the moon by NASA’s Lunar CRater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS) was deemed a success by the government agency. While no NASA official would publicly comment on Richardson’s remarks from earlier this year, rocket scientist Brian Muldoon did go so far as to comment, “Well, you have to admit that the way that thing changes shape throughout the month is a little creepy.”
This isn’t the first time The Citadel has been involved in the shelling of a perceived enemy. Although most historians view the bombardment of Fort Sumter by cannons at Fort Johnson on April 12, 1861 as the true start of the American Civil War, any Citadel cadet will tell you that things really started on January 9, 1861. On that day, cadets from The Citadel were present as a cannon battery on Morris Island fired on the US steamer Star of the West as it attempted to enter Charleston Harbor to deliver supplies to troops at Fort Sumter.
Though there was no official response from the moon, scientists confirm that the orbiting body will entirely block the sun from reaching the Citadel for exactly two minutes and thirty-three seconds on August 21, 2017. Of course most Charlestonians and Civil War historians will recognized that date as the 154th anniversary of the day that the legendary gun, The Swamp Angel, began the bombardment of Charleston that would continue for nearly two years.
Kent Plantview, an astronomy professor at the College of Charleston, was emphatic that this was merely a coincidence.
“It does make you stop and think,” said Plantview, “but the eclipse of 2017 had been on the schedule for millions of years before the War Between the States, and it certainly isn’t part of an elaborate revenge scheme.”