Sanford wins lesser-known Nobel “Piece” prize

by William Moultrie

Stockholm – In sharp contrast to President Obama’s surprise victory this morning taking home the coveted Nobel Peace Prize, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford was the heavy favorite to take home this year’s Nobel Piece Prize and his selection surprised nobody.

The piece prize is designed to be kept on your keychain, not around your neck like the other Nobel prizes.

The piece prize is designed to be kept on your keychain, not around your neck like the other Nobel prizes.

Traditionally awarded on the same day as the Peace Prize, the Piece Prize recognizes achievements in wooing sexual partners. Previous American recipients include Gary Hart, Ted Haggard, and of course the only repeat winner, Bill Clinton.

Sanford is on a trade mission to South America and couldn’t be reached for comment, but his office issued a statement saying “The governor is flattered and honored to be included in such an illustrious group of world leaders, and is looking forward to accepting the award in person.” It’s unclear whether the governor’s staff was confusing the Piece Prize for the Peace Prize.

The Nobel Piece prize was created in 1935 when Alfred Nobel’s grandson Morty Nobel realized his success in attracting females was largely a result of his grandfather’s notoriety. While the prize does not include a monetary award, the winner is entitled to use Morty Nobel’s apartment in Paris for the following year. Nobel, who died in 1969 shortly after the Piece Prize was awarded to the organizers of Woodstock, deeded the property for the prize winner to continue his or her work in the field.

“I’m not surprised at all,” said former winner Sen. Larry Craig. “Mark really put some effort into winning this.”

“I can’t say I’m not disappointed to have lost this year,” said Sen. John Ensign, rumored to be the runner-up in the voting. “Ironically, I think I would have been a shoe-in last year, which is when my affair was actually taking place, but apparently you’re not eligible to win until the dalliance is public knowledge. I’ll know better next time.”

Though Sanford was expected to win this year, the award was not without controversy.

“What about Maria?” asked feminist author and activist Dorothy Branch. “Seriously, she managed to bed a conservative, married, sitting governor from another country. If anyone accomplished anything here, it was Maria. I have come to expect this level of ignorance from the prize committee. They’ve shown time and time again that they aren’t interested in the accomplishments of women, but it’s high time they realize that the men aren’t doing this by themselves — that would be a whole different prize.”

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