In about six months, South Carolina will divide into R’s and D’s and pick our candidates for Governor. Then, about a year and a month from now, we’ll choose between those two. That makes this, my friends, what may be your only opportunity to pick from the entire announced field (plus André, ’cause who are we kidding) of Democrats and Republicans.
This is the first time in our long and storied history that we’ve conducted this sort of research, and it undoubtedly will have sweeping and lasting effects.
To spice it up a little, and because some of you probably haven’t been paying attention, what with all the jackasses we’ve already elected hogging all the media spotlight, I’m going to leave their political designations off. You’ll have to do your own Googling/Binging/Etc.ing.
Meet the Candidates (in alphabetical order):
- Gresham Barrett. Currently a U.S. Congressman. Once got booed at a Tea Party.
- André Bauer. Currently Lt. Governor. Drives fast, crashes planes, says he’s not gay.
- Dwight Drake. Currently Recently a lobbyist. Fought for your the right to borrow against your next paycheck.
- Amos Elliott. Currently pastor at “The Church Purchased With His Blood” (really)
- Robert Ford. Currently State Legislator. Likes school vouchers and Confederate holidays.
- Larry Grooms. Currently State Senator. Teabagger and damn proud of it.
- Nikki Haley. Currently State Legislator. Least likely to get in trouble with her penis.
- Mullins McLeod. Currently a lawyer. Second in “outsider” status only to the preacher.
- Henry McMaster. Currently SC Attorney General. Sued Craigslist re: hookers.
- Jim Rex. Currently SC Superintendent of Education. Easiest name for school children to spell.
- Vincent Sheheen. Currently State Senator. You could get lost for days in that big toothy smile.
Let me know if I’ve forgotten anyone: editor@theDiscust.com