by William Moultrie
Anderson – The Coca-Cola company, headquartered in nearby Atlanta, has chosen Anderson as a test market for their latest product, Throwback Coke.
Coca-Cola appears to be responding to PepsiCo’s recent launch of Throwback Pepsi, which has been reformulated to include natural sugar instead of corn syrup. Coca-Cola is turning the clock back even farther than the pre-corn syrup days of the 1970s, back to the very original formulation introduced in 1886, including the cocaine.
“We are excited to introduce Throwback Coke at the Target here on Clemson Blvd. in beautiful Anderson, South Carolina,” said Harper Franks, spokesperson for Coca-Cola. “You all know that Coke is an original, but ideas evolve over time, so the ice-cold Coca-Cola you’re enjoying every afternoon, watching the game or playing with the kids, is not exactly the same Coke your great-grandfather drank when he was your age. Of course, you can’t go back in time to taste what he was drinking, but now you don’t have to. We’ve done the hard work for you and now we all have the opportunity to relive the glory days of the late 19th Century.”
“Starting today, Throwback Coke will be available in six select markets around the United States, and I’m pleased to announce that Anderson is where we’re kicking off our product launch,” Franks continued. “It will also be available in Gainesville, FL, Detroit, MI, Oakland, CA, Bloomington, IN, and Washington DC.”
Though it wasn’t part of his statement, Franks confirmed to us that Throwback Coke would indeed have a small amount of actual cocaine.
“We did some research and realized that we fall into a loophole between patent rules and FDA jurisdiction and that due to grandfathered manufacturing and import procedures, there’s actually nothing to stop us from putting real cocaine into our products. Of course just because you can do something it doesn’t mean that you should do something, but in this case, we decided we owed it to our loyal followers to offer them a new choice.”
“The cocaine stuff’s all marketing,” Franks continued, “I mean it’s such a small quantity of cocaine, you’d never notice. You would have to rapidly drink at least 48 ounces of Throwback Coke to feel any affects at all. Hell, there’s probably more cocaine embedded in the fibers of the bills in your wallet right now than there is in this newly designed, 48-ounce wide-mouth Throwback Coke bottle.”
“Also, it’s next to impossible to extract any cocaine from the soft drink. You would have to have a pyrex beaker, a bunson burner, a condenser-extractor, 4 grams of ammonium carbonate, two and a half feet of copper tubing, some activated charcoal, and a scale that measures in miligrams. What are the odds of someone pulling all that together?”
Asked why the town Anderson was picked for the marketing campaign, Franks said that it was due to its proximity to Clemson. He said that the cities chosen were based on marketing research that predicted the greatest success rates in college towns and dense urban areas. He also said that while Atlanta has both of those demographics within miles of the Coca-Cola Company’s world headquarters, they decided to test it elsewhere since many of their families and children would have been part of the target audience and that might have skewed the results.
Food safety critics are somewhat skeptical of the move, but are willing to step back and see how it goes.
“In the end, cocaine — just like sugar — is a natural substance that’s been a part of this planet for millennia,” said Ralph Faber, president of Unprocess Food Now (UFN), a consumer advocacy group. “In principal, we don’t have a problem with this, but we’re going to monitor the situation carefully, and if we find out at some point that they’ve been using corn syrup, you can be sure we’ll be right on top of it.”