Coca-Cola introduces “Throwback Coke” with real cocaine

by William Moultrie

Anderson – The Coca-Cola company, headquartered in nearby Atlanta, has chosen Anderson as a test market for their latest product, Throwback Coke.

As part of their promotional campaign, Coca-Cola will be reproduction mirrors, mimicking some of the brands more famous advertising campaigns.

As part of their promotional campaign, Coca-Cola will be reproduction mirrors, mimicking some of the brands more famous advertising campaigns.

Coca-Cola appears to be responding to PepsiCo’s recent launch of Throwback Pepsi, which has been reformulated to include natural sugar instead of corn syrup. Coca-Cola is turning the clock back even farther than the pre-corn syrup days of the 1970s, back to the very original formulation introduced in 1886, including the cocaine.

“We are excited to introduce Throwback Coke at the Target here on Clemson Blvd. in beautiful Anderson, South Carolina,” said Harper Franks, spokesperson for Coca-Cola. “You all know that Coke is an original, but ideas evolve over time, so the ice-cold Coca-Cola you’re enjoying every afternoon, watching the game or playing with the kids, is not exactly the same Coke your great-grandfather drank when he was your age. Of course, you can’t go back in time to taste what he was drinking, but now you don’t have to. We’ve done the hard work for you and now we all have the opportunity to relive the glory days of the late 19th Century.”

“Starting today, Throwback Coke will be available in six select markets around the United States, and I’m pleased to announce that Anderson is where we’re kicking off our product launch,” Franks continued. “It will also be available in Gainesville, FL, Detroit, MI, Oakland, CA, Bloomington, IN, and Washington DC.”

Though it wasn’t part of his statement, Franks confirmed to us that Throwback Coke would indeed have a small amount of actual cocaine.

“We did some research and realized that we fall into a loophole between patent rules and FDA jurisdiction and that due to grandfathered manufacturing and import procedures, there’s actually nothing to stop us from putting real cocaine into our products. Of course just because you can do something it doesn’t mean that you should do something, but in this case, we decided we owed it to our loyal followers to offer them a new choice.”

“The cocaine stuff’s all marketing,” Franks continued, “I mean it’s such a small quantity of cocaine, you’d never notice. You would have to rapidly drink at least 48 ounces of Throwback Coke to feel any affects at all. Hell, there’s probably more cocaine embedded in the fibers of the bills in your wallet right now than there is in this newly designed, 48-ounce wide-mouth Throwback Coke bottle.”

“Also, it’s next to impossible to extract any cocaine from the soft drink. You would have to have a pyrex beaker, a bunson burner, a condenser-extractor, 4 grams of ammonium carbonate, two and a half feet of copper tubing, some activated charcoal, and a scale that measures in miligrams. What are the odds of someone pulling all that together?”

Asked why the town Anderson was picked for the marketing campaign, Franks said that it was due to its proximity to Clemson. He said that the cities chosen were based on marketing research that predicted the greatest success rates in college towns and dense urban areas. He also said that while Atlanta has both of those demographics within miles of the Coca-Cola Company’s world headquarters, they decided to test it elsewhere since many of their families and children would have been part of the target audience and that might have skewed the results.

Food safety critics are somewhat skeptical of the move, but are willing to step back and see how it goes.

“In the end, cocaine — just like sugar — is a natural substance that’s been a part of this planet for millennia,” said Ralph Faber, president of Unprocess Food Now (UFN), a consumer advocacy group. “In principal, we don’t have a problem with this, but we’re going to monitor the situation carefully, and if we find out at some point that they’ve been using corn syrup, you can be sure we’ll be right on top of it.”

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11 comments on “Coca-Cola introduces “Throwback Coke” with real cocaine
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  3. Derek says:

    Yes I am a huge coke fan also and agree that the real sugar taste a whole bunch better than the corn stuff. I like to even splurge sometimes and get the original Dr.Pepper out of Texas because it taste so much better and it comes in the small glass bottles. All I have to say is coke listen up and let’s get this done you are way over due infact your just plan tardy.

  4. JOHN R. says:

    Even if you put 95% pure cocaine in each bottle and anybody drinks it even some COP it will not do anything –reason>> your stomach acids instaantly nuetralize the COCAINE –reason it;s snorted or smoked..you may get little tiny buz but thats all.
    I am positive 100% I drank RED BULL COLA for 2 summers and I know it had cocaine in it…tasted better than normal COKE but I did not get any high or nothing..just more active due to the Caffiene.

  5. is says:

    Seriously, Coke has not been giving us what we want. What consumers want is cane sugar Coke in glass bottles!!! They are always advertising their product with the ideal image of that delicious glass bottled Coke. Funny thing is that we can only buy the disgusting HFCS glass bottled Coke. We want cane sugar!!! The whole reason why I don’t purchase Coke is because they don’t use cane sugar, and their measly little glass bottles suck.

  6. Greg C. says:

    The New Coke disaster was around 1985 not in the 70′s. I remember people stock piling cases of the old stuff in there basements. I was just a teenager but I remember thinking this is the best publicity stunt ever! Anyone looking for the “Real Thing” stop in to any Mexican grocery and pick up the tall glass bottle of coke, it has the real sugar and taste like you remember as a kid. Beware though the small glass bottles are still made with Corn Syrup and taste almost as bad as the plastic bottle variation.

  7. Steve says:

    Coca cola should go back to the original formula already. The HFCS isnt doing it for me anymore. regular cane sugar is so much better for you then HFCS. The taste is another thing. Its just not the same anymore. Pepsi is doing the right thing and putting out throwback Pepsi. I may have to go to Costco just to get “The real Coca Cola “

  8. KJ Mason says:

    Why is it that the coke from MEXICO still has sugar in it? It can be found in some grocery stores in the section that has Mexican food. It really taste better. On occasion I will get a good fountain coke and being from restaurant background I know it is because it has more syrup in it and in time that will be adjusted back to a watered down taste. Because the coke has gotten to not resemble the good ole coke from 50′s I drink less and less…”YES, BRING BACK THE GOOD TASTING COKE”

  9. BonnieW says:

    I remember “old” coke before they changed the formula in (I believe) the seventies. There was such a mass outcry, that they “supposedly” changed it back to the original ——which we die hard Coca Cola drinkers knew—– never happened. It never tasted the same. All you had to do was look at the ingredients. I could never understand how Coca Cola could profess that they went back to the old formula. I’ve been longing for the true original Coke all of this time. IT’S BEEN ABOUT 40 YEARS NOW. CAN WE PLEASE HAVE THE REAL COCA COLA BACK!!!!!!!

  10. Scott says:

    My god, throwback Coke would be awesome. I remember the taste changing sometime in the 80′s and I can tell you it was a much much better drink before the change than it is now.

  11. Chris Mainiero says:

    I am an huge coke fan, and i live in Rhode Island. While reading this article it sounds like throw back coke is only avaliable in select areas, i wouldlove to try this productand wondering how and when i will be able to purchase it.

4 Pings/Trackbacks for "Coca-Cola introduces “Throwback Coke” with real cocaine"
  1. […] or the heavily guarded secret recipe, or the possibility that “Throwback Coke” has cocaine in […]

  2. [...] we see Coke boast their Classic formula and Pepsi gives us Throwback. Interestingly enough, I found this article while researching. If this account is true, Coke is going even further back to their roots, with [...]

  3. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by theDiscust.com. theDiscust.com said: Coca-Cola introduces "Throwback Coke" with real cocaine: http://thediscust.com/?p=1198 [...]

  4. [...] introduces “Throwback Coke” with real cocaine Coca-Cola introduces “Throwback Coke” with real cocaine theDiscust – 24 minutes ago by William Moultrie Anderson – The Coca-Cola company, headquartered [...]

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