by William Moultrie
Laurens – Talk around the World Famous Redneck Shop has turned to politics this week, in the wake of the Joe “the Heckler” incident in Congress last week and accusations that he’s a racist. Opinions varied somewhat, but the consensus seemed to be that Wilson, while having some legitimate racist-type credentials, is not in fact a racist.
“I can see how you would think he was a racist,” said Adrian Hickory, one of the shop’s owners. “He was one of the biggest defenders of keeping the Confederate flag on top of the State House, he publicly berated Strom Thurmond’s illigitamate black daughter for not keeping her damn mouth shut, he’s an active member of the Sons of the Confederacy, and he represents a lilly-white district. Wait, where was I going with that?”
“I’ll tell you why he’s not a racist,” Adolf Hickory, Adrian’s 17-year-old son interjected. “The fact that he allowed the flag to be taken off the State House and didn’t quit in protest is enough for me, but on top of that, he should never have been to that speech in the first place. If I’d been him, I would of been standing at the door like Wallace in Alabama and wouldn’t have never let him in. I can’t believe he sat there and listened to that African at all. It’s people like that that make that African seem like he’s a real legal president and not the infiltrator that we know he is. It’s high time we launch another cruise to Liberia for the likes of him — if he wants to run a country, there’s plenty of them over there. Don’t know why he wants to run ours. And don’t get me started on Jimmy Carter — he’s the worst kind of Southerner.”
Reaction from the store’s patrons was less-uniform, though still dismissive of the idea that Wilson is a racist. New mother Victoria Marjorie was shopping for a Confederate flag fleece blanket for her infant and joined in the discussion.
“Just ’cause he called him a liar don’t make him a racist,” Marjorie said. “Hell, if that was the case then Glen Beck and everyone else on Fox News would be racists. You know, you can quote me on that… If Joe Wilson is a racist then the whole Fox News Network and the entire Republican Party is a bunch of racists.”
“All he did was call out the ‘president’ on his lies,” she continued, “and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. If you want to see a real racist, all you gotta do is look at Serena Williams or Kanye West — those are the racists. It’s about time the real racists reveal themselves like those two did. I get the dirtiest looks from the blacks around this town and I never did nothing to nobody. And that’s exactly why I had the Confederate flag painted on the side of my car — so’s everyone knows if anything happens to me it’ll be ’cause of something to do with the blacks. Them people are racist.”
“I remember now,” said Adrian Hickory. “I was gonna say I’ve been living in South Carolina for my whole life and I’ve been to hundreds of rallies and meetings all over the state working on solutions to the negro problem and I’ve never seen him at one of ‘em. Of course, a lot of times everyone’s wearing hoods, but I think I’d still know him — he talks a lot and you can’t hide that under a hood.”
Rep. Wilson’s office wouldn’t make an official comment for this story, dismissing it as ridiculous and trivial.