Sanford taps Keeney to fill Maguire’s slot

by William Moultrie

Clemson –
Moving quickly to avoid a conspicuous opening on the State Board of Education, Governor Mark Sanford has appointed Bridget Keeney to fill out the remainder of Kristin Maguire’s term. Maguire’s premature withdrawal was unexpected but Sanford expressed his belief that Keeney would have no problems assuming the position.

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“She can handle it, no problem,” said Sanford. “I know most of you aren’t familiar with Bridget’s work, but I assure you she’s never seen a job she couldn’t handle — she’ll blow you all away, just wait.”

Keeney hasn’t held public office before but has been a prolific writer, publishing dozens of articles for various sites on the internet. Also, like Maguire, Keeney hails from Clemson, home-schools her children, and believes in teaching abstinence-only eduction.

“I promise you, abstinence education can work and we all can have a happy ending,” said Keeney. “It’s a movement that started small, but as people like Kristin, Governor Sanford, and now myself are willing to give it the passion and attention it deserves, we can make it grow larger than than ever before. It’s an issue to which some choose to merely pay lip service, but I promise I will not stop there. Obviously, there’s a place for oral arguments, but to achieve our ultimate goal, you really have to get in there and get your hands dirty.”

“I think I can take her abstinence education a step farther,” Keeney continued. “I don’t think it’s enough to just warn our children not to go down the dark path to intercourse, I think they need to know exactly how evil it is. To that end, I will be pushing for a scholarship program to encourage a few special students to make a contribution to the genre of erotic fiction. If we don’t have exquisitely detailed descriptions of what these children should be avoiding, how are they going to know what to look for? It’s exactly what I teach my children at home.”

Governor Sanford says that Keeney’s initiatives will breathe new life into the state’s struggling education system.

“I know it sounds unconventional,” Sanford said. “I was shocked at first when she told me about it, but she can be very convincing. Plus she was able to translate some of her study materials into Spanish… because as you know we have a growing Hispanic population in this state and we need to be inclusive in our programs.

Maguire resigned abruptly this week, saying that she needed to spend more time with her family. When we attempted to contact her for a comment, Keeney answered the phone at the Maguire residence.

“Oh, hello,” Keeney said. “I was just coming by to talk to Kristin to get some advice, but she’s… she’s not in right now, but I can leave her a message, but she said she doesn’t want to talk to the press, she’s had a long hard… I mean she’s worn out from all the excitement and is sleeping.” Asked to clarify if Maguire was out or just sleeping, Keeney said she had to go, and “thanks for calling.”

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