by Ashley Phosphate

Anderson — Baptist leaders convened in prayer today to ask God to forgive South Carolina’s politicians for any marital “transgressions” they all may have committed. Read the full story

by William Moultrie

Columbia – All was quiet this evening on Marion Street when the ground suddenly gave way and took the South Carolina Republican Party headquarters with it. Read the full story

by William Moultrie

Columbia – Dr. George Rekers returned home to South Carolina this morning amid a flurry of questions surrounding reports that he was traveling Europe with a male prostitute. Rekers, a professor of Neuropsychiatry & Behavioral Science Emeritus at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine, has been an outspoken opponent of homosexuality for years. Read the full story

by William Moultrie

Washington – Senator Jim DeMint announced today that he is returning his Congressional salary, declining all associated benefits, and taking steps to remove himself from other government-backed programs such as Social Security. Read the full story

by Middleton Jervey Manigault, III

Colorado Springs, CO – The United States synchronized insanity spouting team just got a whole lot stronger today, as Pat Robertson and Andre Bauer declared they would be forming a team to compete in the upcoming Vancouver games. Read the full story

by William Moultrie

Tega Cay – In a massive outpouring of compassion, followers of Reverend Pat Robertson are collecting clothing, blankets, bottled water and money to send to the soon-to-be-unemployed staff of the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.

On Thursday’s edition of The 700 Club, Pat Robertson called for prayers and compassion for  O’Brien.

“I am asking all of you to have compassion and keep these victims in your prayers” urged Robertson, eyes clenched shut. “Through no fault of his own, this god-fearing Irish Catholic is being cast out of his glorious Universal City studio into the wild purgatory of the unknown. I’m asking all of you, please do what you can to help ease the suffering that these men and women will surely be facing when Jay Leno returns to the Tonight Show.”

“The truth about the Irish,” continued Robertson, “is that they made a deal with Satan to bless them with an unholy tolerance for alcohol, and in exchange he cursed them with flaming red hair for eternity. But they have tithed and paid their dues and it’s time to forgive them and reach out and embrace their Irish-American champion, Conan O’Brien in his time of need as he is being persecuted by his Jewish overlord.”

Robertson’s followers were quick to respond.

“It breaks my heart,” said Jenene Gaither. “To think those poor souls could lose everything — their coffee breaks, the after parties, the interaction with B-list celebrities. It’s really hard to fathom. I know my meager contribution of two cases of bottled water and 13 years of Reader’s Digest back issues won’t make it right, but if we all pitch in, we can start the healing.”

“Some people might say this is frivolous,” said Oscar Frankington, pastor of the New Wave Baptist Church in Tega Cay, “but it’s important to us. We don’t watch a lot of cable television around here, and honestly, there really isn’t anything else going on that is as dramatic as what’s happening at NBC. Maybe there’s other ‘important’ things happening in other parts of the world, but this is America and TV is all we’ve got.”

Concerned citizens are urged to send relief supplies directly to the show at:
Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien
Universal Studios Lot
Lankershim Blvd.
Universal City, CA, 91608

by William Moultrie

Myrtle Beach – First District Congressman Henry Brown embarked on a bold new strategy this week to appeal to his conservative base by embracing Christmas. This cycle, several other Republicans are challenging Brown for the party’s nomination as he tries to win his sixth term in Congress. Read the full story

by Ashley Phosphate

Greenville – School district officials and church leaders today announced that the entire Upstate of South Carolina will not participate in Halloween activities.  Read the full story